“If it’s really that bad, if it really isn’t her choice, why wouldn’t she just leave the relationship?”
This was a question I was asked about a case of a teenage girl being trafficked by her adult boyfriend. It is a question a lot of people have regarding abusive relationships, domestic violence situations, and trafficking.
The question insinuates that the teenager, or whoever it is that is being victimized by trafficking, is making a choice to continue an unhealthy relationship, to engage in commercial sex out, or even to be sexually promiscuous. While it may look like a choice, often, the grooming process and emotional manipulation that survivors go through takes away all those choices and more. This can be incredibly hard to understand for those who have never experienced an emotionally abusive situation, but it is all too real for those who have.
In the beginning of an abusive relationship, such as that between a trafficker and a vulnerable person, the abuser tends to come on strong with words and actions that seem loving and positive. Think of the honeymoon period in a romantic relationship, where there is little to no conflict, highly positive emotions, and expressions of love in excess. When someone is grooming a target, the honeymoon period is even more excessive. Abusers and exploiters create an intense feeling of love that the vulnerable person has likely never experienced before. This quickly builds a kind of trust and love between the abuser and our vulnerable person. So much so, that 42% of those in trafficking reported their trafficker earned their trust within one month of meeting (Thorn, 2018).
Once a trafficker establishes that trust, the grooming begins. Typically, the first distinguishable sign of grooming is isolation. Isolation is a quick, easily disguisable, slippery slope of manipulation. This process can consist of a variety of behaviors that attempt to control the vulnerable person’s social interactions and activities.
- The abuser may express a desire to spend all their time with the vulnerable person, wanting to prioritize the relationship, and then want that in retrun. In doing so, the abuser pushes the vulnerable person to not hang out with their own friends, family, or engage in their previous hobbies out of necessity to “prioritize the relationship”.
- The abuser may start exhibiting jealousy when the vulnerable person is texting friends or on their phone. They may question the vulnerable person’s loyalty, accuse them of cheating, and cause the vulnerable person to think they need to prove that loyalty by showing the exploitive person their texts and communications. Ultimately, this leads to sharing all their communication with the exploitive person and avoiding communicating with others to avoid the jealous reactions of their partner.
People tend to think isolation, especially in trafficking, is physical and forceful. And while it can be, it’s important to realize that a lot of isolation is social and emotional. While the person is free to leave the residence, be on social media, and even have access to a phone, the grooming process becomes so intense that they do not think they can disclose abuse, or they may not recognize the abuse at all.
- Example 1: A young boy is being trafficked by his parents. His parents tell him that if he talks about his relationship with his parents and their friends to anyone, those who hear it “won’t understand their love”, and would take the boy away from his parents forever, making him live in a stranger’s house. The boy loves his mom and dad so doesn’t say anything to his teachers or peers out of fear of being taken from his parents. Though free in the community, the boy is socially and emotionally isolated and feels as if he cannot share his experiences with anyone.
- Example 2: A woman is receiving drugs for free from a friend. That friend told the woman that her other friends were seen in public without her and were talking bad about her. As a result, she has distanced herself from all those friends, except the one who informed her of this betrayal and supplies her drugs. This friend later comes to the woman in desperation, telling her she is unable to pay the drug dealer. The friend tells the woman that the dealer knows she has received drugs for free the past several months and is going to target both of them if the debt is not paid. However, the dealer said the woman could have sex with him to get the charge forgiven. After how indebted she is to her friend, fearful for her own safety, and having no other support to turn to, the woman does not believe that “no” is even an option.
Isolation is abuse. Abusers use isolation tactics to separate vulnerable people from their loved ones, making them less likely, or unable, to reach out for help when they need it. Without help or support, the vulnerable person becomes fully dependent on the exploitive person, which is the goal of the grooming process. Once the vulnerable person is dependent on the exploitive abuser (whether financially, emotionally, physically, or for a substance need), it makes it incredibly hard for the vulnerable person to “just leave” when abuse starts.
While some might see someone’s behavior as promiscuous and self-determined, in doing so, they can miss the gravity of isolation and grooming and how it takes away the freedom of choice. While the teenager in the original case appeared to have choice, socially and emotionally, that teen felt she had no other options because of her dependence on this adult man, whom she called her boyfriend.
If you or someone you know is experiencing isolation within a relationship, do not hesitate to reach out for help and counsel. It is never too late to get help.
Local Resources:
- ASIA, Inc. Akron: 330-203-1453
- Battered Women’s Shelter Akron: 330-374-1111
- National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233 or Text LOVEIS to 22522
- National Teen Dating Violence Hotline: 1-866-331-9474 or Text LOVEIS TO 22522
- Victim Assistance Program of Summit County: 330-376-0040
Bibliography:
Aronson Fontes, Lisa. “From Romance to Isolation: Understanding Grooming.” DomesticShelters.Org, domesticshelters.org, 1 July 2024, www.domesticshelters.org/articles/identifying-abuse/from-romance-to-isolation-understanding-grooming.
Bouché, Dr. Vanessa. “Survivor Insights: The Role of Technology in Domestic Minor Sex Trafficking.” Thorn, Jan. 2018.
“Child Sex Trafficking Statistics.” Thorn, 30 Aug. 2022, www.thorn.org/child-trafficking-statistics/.
“The Role of Isolation in Domestic Violence.” Kupferman & Golden Family Law, kgfamilylaw.com/the-role-of-isolation-in-domestic-violence/#:~:text=Isolation%20as%20a%20Form%20of%20Abuse&text=Abusers%20may%20humiliate%2C%20intimidate%2C%20threaten,become%20dependent%20on%20their%20abusers. Accessed 21 Aug. 2024.